Oct 14, 2010

transparency

Doesn't this have an Emersonian sort of serenity?  I'd like a little of that, please.


For as much as I ranted about Cara's pediatrician, you would think that I would have a handle on doctor's appointments and shots and all that.  Unfortunately, I am losing my mind at a rapid pace this week, and I completely forgot about Cara's appointment that WAS on Tuesday.  I am really not a person who forgets big things like doctor's appointments.  I forget lots of little things, like Cara's nap mat pillowcase.  I never remember to bring it home on Fridays, and if by some wild chance I do remember to bring it home, it won't make it back to daycare until Thursday.  Poor baby girl, sleeping on plastic.  But I digress...

Somehow, I managed to miss putting the doctor's appointment in my phone calendar where my entire life is stored.  I felt a little frantic about it last night.  I asked PJ if he had any idea when the appointment was, I desperately hoped that I had not missed it yet, but tucked away in my wallet was the appointment card.  I suck.

So today, I had to make the humiliating phone call to reschedule.  I mean, those 15-month shots are important, right?  I fully expected to be yelled at by a receptionist, perhaps even told to find a new pediatrician.  I'm sure that no one else ever forgets an appointment.  I'm the only one who could possibly forget such an important event and cause such an inconvenience to the good doctor.  So I called:

"Hello, I'm calling to beg for forgiveness, and if possible, reschedule the appointment that I missed on Tuesday."

The receptionist was terse.  I felt terrible.  I apologized all over myself.  And then, I asked if there was a fee for missed appointments, because I would happily take care of it.  No, she said, there is not a fee right now.  But if I would like to give them some money, they would all appreciate it.  We both laughed and the imaginary tension was broken. 

I have no excuses for missing important things like doctor's appointments except that I am completely overwhelmed with life.  I am generally a happy person.  I love my life, my husband, my baby, my job, but this week I have woken up with a bitterness that I can't shake.  I have a bad attitude, or what my counselor would have called postpartum depression.  I think my counselor was wrong though.  I don't think we can continue to call this "postpartum."  I barely want to acknowledge it as "depression" because it's really more of a pissed-off-at-the-world-ness.  Basically, I want to drop f-bombs all over everyone about everything.

So, is this hormonal or justified?  If you ask me, I would say "absolutely justified;" I have a laundry list of things that have pissed me off in the past few weeks, and most of them are job related.  No specifics needed, but maybe all of these things didn't roll off my back fast enough, so now they are all piled up.  I am a doer though.  My counselor said that I had to acknowledge the existence of my feelings before they could go away, not bury them away and pretend everything is fine.  But, I think PJ is tired of hearing me complain; some mornings, I'm so crappy that I'm not sure he even wants to kiss me good-bye.  So, I'm done acknowledging, let's take action.  A day off sounds like what I need, right?  Except that I am in the one profession where it's nearly impossible to take a day off.  Especially when there are no substitutes left.

I guess what I'm saying here is that the universe has been working against me this week.  I suspect that I might experience this pissed-off-at-the-worldness from time to time for a while, but that's okay.  I'm not the only one, right?  As long as I can maintain a little bit of optimism, I won't qualify as crazy.

(And you thought this was going to be a cute post about missing a doctor's appointment.  Too bad I couldn't have taken this in the direction of "I am so together, but I was humbled this week by missing a doctor's appointment.  Lesson learned!" Sometimes I don't know where I'm going when I begin.)

3 comments:

  1. I love this! I feel this way sometimes too and wonder what's wrong with me, but I just don't think you can be a happy bubbly person every single day of your life. Some days just stink! Remember how we used to grunt when anything was the slightest bit difficult? Some days are just one big grunt!
    Love,
    Mary Beth

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  2. I have been doing a lot of grunting lately...I was wondering where I got that from! :-) I miss you, MB!

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  3. You are definitely not the only one feeling a little off or like the universe is not flowing in your direction. Bad days are going to happen even to the happiest people.

    I'm sorry you're having a rough week, take a breather, remember the next dr. appointment and start a new day. Happy Wednesday.

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